after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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