Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
