Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She's the barista slut.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
