do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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