Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
