I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
and you fell through a lawn chair
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
