I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
