I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
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