thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
