I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
