the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
