If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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