if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Hello my rib-scented angel!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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