My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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