I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
