ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize