All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
