I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
