He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
