Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize