It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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