I only kidnapped one of them. chill
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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