You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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