I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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