I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
