I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
