Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
me + whiskey = a bad person
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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