Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
