I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
i think my cat just said my name.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I think my moral compass just broke
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
