When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize