Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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