Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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