It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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