nut hugger
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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