I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize