I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
