Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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