You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
