you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You don't make any sense
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