We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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