no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
