If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
