Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
