My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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