he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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