That's when you crack a 10am beer
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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