She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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