i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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