my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
