i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
