as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize