I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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