the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
