the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
