if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
