It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
