This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize