The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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