he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
